THE TRIANGLE OF LAMITUDE

THE OFFICIAL CLIVE ASSHAMPTON GUIDELINES 2001-2002

Rules

1. You don't talk about the Triangle of Lamitude.
2. YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THE TRIANGLE OF LAMITUDE.
3. You can sometimes though.
4. The 'Host' shall be the person or object which should be wearing the Triangle as designated by the rules.
5. The 'Petal' shall be the player who has least recently been the Host.
6. The 'Cake' of each player shall be the period of time consisting of the most recent period in which they were the Host, including the time in which the offence that made them Host was performed.
7. The default Host is the crappiest quiz/game machine. If, by some miracle, neither of these is crap enough, then the Triangle does not have a default Host. It shall instead be in limbo (under the table).
8. For each new game within a session, the player who lost the previous game is the Host. For each new session, the player who lost the previous session is the Host.
9. If you are the Petal, then if you perform a lamer Trianglatable Offence than the lamest one performed by the current Host during his Cake, you become the Host.
10. If you are the Host, then refer to the 'Wearing of the Triangle' section when you perform a Trianglatable Offence.
11. Get out of my cake.
12. I was going to eat that cake.
13. If you are the Host, performing an Untrianglation makes the default Host the Host.

The Unholy List of Untrianglations

1. Potting one of your designated balls.
2. Escaping a difficult snooker.
3. Putting the other player in a difficult snooker.
4. Playing a good safety shot.
5. Saying something incredibly amusing
6. Doing something else good.
7. Saying or doing something unpleasant to Benoit if he is present.

Chapter for Wearing the Triangle of Lamitude

1. For the first offence of the Host during his Cake, the Triangle shall be worn upon his head, with a vertex facing forward and tilted upwards.
2. For the second such offence, the Triangle shall be worn upon his head, with an edge facing forward and level.
3. For the third such offence, the Triangle shall be worn with an edge facing forward and obscuring the Host's eyes as much as possible. This does not count as an excuse for performing Trianglatable Offence number 1202.
4. Girls are not allowed to wear the Triangle, as they give it germs, or something.

TRIANGLATABLE OFFENCES

Category 1 (Pre-game offences)

1. Fumbling the coins in the coin-slot before the game.
2. Racking the balls incorrectly before the game.
3. Miscuing the break.
4. Potting the white ball from the break.
5. Otherwise shitting-up the break.

Category 2 (Pre-shot offences)

1. Making a trip of more than two metres in preparation for a shot.
2. Dropping your cue.
3. Stabbing yourself with your cue.
4. Unsuccessfully attempting to chalk your cue (e.g. dropping the chalk, getting blue dust everywhere etc).
5. Knocking over an object (e.g. glass or Coke can) with your cue.
6. Accidentally nudging one of the balls with your hand.
7. Using a disallowed part of the cue in any fashion.
8. Miscuing, including prematurely hitting the cue ball.
9. Totally missing the cue ball with the cue.

Category 3 (Offences occuring as consequences of a shot)

1. Knocking one of your balls out of a good position.
2. Accidentally putting an opponent's ball in a good position.
3. Not potting on a very easy shot.
4. Snookering yourself (on a free shot).
5. Completely wasting both your shots after the opponent fouled.
6. Failing to hit one of your designated balls first.
7. Failing to hit any ball.
8. Potting the cue ball.
9. Knocking a ball off the table.
10. Potting one of your opponent's balls.
11. Potting the 8-ball when illegal to do so.

Category 4 (Other offences)

Cheap and nasty copied and pasted version of THE OLD RULES

The Triangle of Lamitude Rules

The Geordie Bogues draft 2000.

WEARING OF THE TRIANGLE

1. The Triangle must be worn as indicated by the rules below, and for
   the offences listed below.
2. The Triangle should be worn by placing it upon the head of the
   wearer where it shall rest until the evil lame spirits are
   exorcised (see below). The Triangle should be initially aligned with 
   the widest face facing downwards, and a corner pointing forwards.
3. If a player commits many lame offences in close succession, the
   Triangle should be worn in the appropriate (different) position,
   indicated below where applicable.
4. Girls are not allowed to wear the Triangle, as they give it germs,
   or something.

TRIANGLE RULES

1.  You don't talk about the Triangle of Lamitude.
2.  YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT THE TRIANGLE OF LAMITUDE.
3.  You can sometimes though.
4.  The resting-place of the Triangle when not in use (either for
    indication of lamitude, or for racking the balls) should be on top
    of the crappiest quiz/game machine. If, by some miracle neither of these 
    is crap enough, then the Triangle does not have a designated
    resting-place. It is in limbo.
5.  The player who has lost the previous game of the session must
    begin wearing the Triangle.
6.  The Triangle must be placed on your head if you perform any of the 
    Trianglatable Offences (listed below) and in the manner detailed
    above. As a general rule, any unlisted foul counts as an offence less lame 
    than Offence 1, as does having lost the previous game.
7.  Get out of my cake.
8.  I was going to eat that cake.
9.  For the first offence the Triangle should be worn pointing
    forwards (as above). For the second (consecutive) offence, it must
    be worn with an edge facing forwards, and must be jammed on the
    wearers head as hard as possible. For further offences, wear the
    Triangle with the edge facing forwards and obscuring your eyes as
    much as possible. These positions may not be altered, even when
    taking a shot.
10. The Triangle may be removed if you pot one of your designated balls.
11. The Triangle may also be removed if you do something else worthy,
    such as escape a snooker by chipping the ball or bouncing it off
    more than one cushion, or play a very good positional / safety shot.
12. In general, if your opponent is already wearing the Triangle, you
    must wear it if you perform any offence(s) lamer than the one(s)
    for which they are wearing the Triangle. This only applies for
    offences with high-lamitude.
13. If more than one lame offence occurs as a consequence of a single
    shot, the Triangle must be worn, regardless of the previous
    wearer's offence(s). However, when miscuing, only the lamest
    offence is counted.
14. Any shot in which the number of lame offences is equal to the
    number of potential Triangle-removing acts (i.e. good things) is
    treated as the offence followed by the removal, if any (i.e. the
    other player may remove the Triangle if your offence is lamer than
    the one for which he is wearing the Triangle).

TRIANGLATABLE OFFENCES

In order to determine whether a player must take-over the wearing of
the Triangle from the other player, for committing a lamer offence
than his, the order of offences' lamitude is as follows (generally 
ascending in lamitude). Note: for several of the 'other
offences', it is possible for the Triangle to be worn by a person
not partaking in the game itself, or while there is no game taking place.

PRE-GAME OFFENCES

1. Fumbling the coins in the coin-slot before the game.
2. Racking the balls incorrectly before the game.
3. Miscuing the break.
4. Potting the white ball from the break.
5. Otherwise shitting-up the break.

PRE-SHOT OFFENCES

1. Completing more than one circuit of the table in preparation for a shot.
2. Dropping your cue, or accidentally stabbing yourself with your cue.
3. Unsuccessfully attempting to chalk your cue (e.g. dropping the
   chalk, getting blue dust everywhere etc).
4. Knocking over an object (e.g. glass or Coke can) with your cue.
5. Accidentally nudging one of the balls with your hand.
6. Intentionally using a disallowed part of the cue.
7. Miscuing, including prematurely hitting the cue ball.
8. Totally missing the cue ball with the cue.

OFFENCES OCCURING AS CONSEQUENCE(S) OF A SHOT

Offences 6-11 are fouls.

1.  Knocking one of your balls out of a good position.
2.  Accidentally putting an opponent's ball in a good position.
3.  Not potting on a very easy shot.
4.  Snookering yourself (on a free shot).
5.  Completely wasting both your shots after the opponent fouled.
6.  Failing to hit one of your designated balls first.
7.  Failing to hit any ball.
8.  Potting the cue ball.
9.  Knocking a ball off the table.
10. Potting one of your opponent's balls.
11. Potting the 8-ball when illegal to do so.

OTHER OFFENCES

1.   Saying something really stupid, or obvious, or committing similar
     offences (e.g. saying something you thought was funny but wasn't)
2.   Telling a non-amusing anecdote.
3.   Failing to say any of the following words: 'cake',
     'bun', 'bumwagon'.
4.   Failing to say any of the following phrases: 'where's the
     laser?', 'ask the police', 'a i t bring Sodom'.
5.   General incompetence (dropping objects etc).
6.   Performing bizarre BMX related activities whilst other people are playing.
7.   Playing Turf Masters on the Neo-Geo machine.
8.   Playing Puzzle Bobble 2 on the Neo-Geo machine.
9.   Playing Metal Slug 2 on the Neo-Geo machine.
10.  Playing Super Sidekicks 2 on the Neo-Geo machine.
11.  Allowing the Triangle to fall off your head, except when legally
     removing it.
12.  Illegally removing the Triangle, mistakenly believing you no
     longer deserved to wear it.
13.  Mocking, deriding, berating, or otherwise belittling the Triangle
     in any way.
14.  Playing the "Brainbox" quiz machine.
15.  Mentioning any of the following words: 'Benoit',
     'BMX', 'Korn', 'Slipknot', 'V.C. Doh'.
148. Being Benoit V.C. Doh.

For more than one offence, the total lamitude is roughly equal to the
combined lamitudes of the offences, and should be circumstantially
agreed by both players.