CAPTAIN MAGNANIMITY'S TRIVIAL PURSUITS

John Virgo's thought for the day: " "

FootNisBall

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: Limbs, a football, the Centre for Mathematical Sciences.
Invented by: D.C. Speed.
Undefeated: N.F. Morrison (15 from 15), J. Sonner (1 from 1) & Dr S.J. Cowley (2 from 2).
LVP 2007: T.J. "Shoeless" Lőcsei.
Rules (draft 2):
1. The court shall be defined as the width between three adjacent lightposts (2 segments) and extending to the back fences. For 3 or more players per team, the width may be increased.
2. The net is defined as the pathway, including the cobbled strips and lightposts. Any shot that lands on the smooth paving slabs is out. Any shot that lands on the opposite cobbles and goes into play on the correct side of the court is in. Any shot that hits any lightpost and goes into play on either side of the court is in.
3. A game is scored as in tennis. The number of games in a set can vary, but the suggested number is first to 3 games.
4. A point is commenced by one of the serving team kicking the ball into the opponents' court. For this purpose, the ball can be thrown by the serving player, directly onto his foot, or bounced once. Kicks off ground are not allowed. The serving player must be at least 8 yards back from the net. If the serve hits a lightpost or the appropriate cobbles and goes into play in the opposition's court, a "let" is called, and the serve retaken. Otherwise, there are no second serves. The serving team serves until the end of the game and if there is more than one player on the team, serving must alternate through team members.
5. The ball is in play if it lands on the grass on the opposition's court (possibly after bouncing on the opposition's cobbles, or any lightpost), or if an opposition player touches it prior to landing.
6. Once the ball is in play, each team is allowed two bounces on the ground, and three touches of the ball (regardless of the number of players on the team) to get it back into play on the other side. Bounces on cobbles or lightposts are not included in the team's quota. The following are acceptable touches: kicks, headers, knee'ers, chest'ers and groin'ers. If a player steps over the cobbles onto the smooth slabs, his team loses the point.
7. If the ball goes over the wall at the back of either side of the court, the last team to touch the ball is fined 4 points, unless either team has shouted 'catch' sufficiently before the ball has gone over, in which case they only lose the current point.
8. If a non-player invades the court, the play is suspended and the point is replayed when the invaders have been expelled.
9. Dr Stephen Cowley may arbitrarily declare any of his shots in, or the opposition shots out, regardless of the actual validity of the shots. Failure to allow him to do so will result in ever-increasing editions of Scientific Linux being successively installed on your computer.
10. The winners of a match have the right to insist that opponents refer to them as "the champions" until a rematch is played.

TGM Keepie-Ups

Number of players: 2 or more Trinity Grad Mathmos. Other mathmos may suffice.
Equipment required: Limbs, a football.
World Record: 160 (NFM, SCW).
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, S. Chiu-Webster, S.J. Rees.
How to play: Players may take up to five keepie-up touches with any body part that isn't an arm or hand, before the ball must be touched by someone else. The ball is not allowed to touch the ground, nor (usually) any object other than the players. Players are awarded a grade based on effort/skill/luck/nonchalance. All players start on B (except Toby who starts on C). Promotion can be attained by individual heroism, outstanding flair, or group success (score of 50+). Demotion can be achieved by shitness, flagrant clowning, or heinous crimes (e.g. booting the ball in a river, over the railing into CMS basement level, through a window, at Tim Pedley, etc). Gradings: A = A-team, B = Bandit, C = Clown, D = Dildo, F = Fanny.
Forbidden Manœuvres include :
Downward Header (obviously, but some people need reminding)
The Swan (unless absolutely necessary, which it usually is)
The Goose (honestly, not the best way forward in life)
The 360 Cruijff volley (I did it once)
Chicken van der Sar (it's not ethical in any form)

In addition, D.D.K. Chow holds the record for the fewest ball-touches needed to punt it over the barrier at the CMS into oblivion, from a seemingly completely safe starting position: 1.
The record for most incompetent manœuvre is held by T.J. Landy, for picking the ball up with his hands and throwing it off the balcony, by mistake.

3-way Connect-3

Number of players: 3.
Equipment required: Writing implements, a writing surface.
Invented by: Y.D. Sobral, S. Chiu-Webster, N.F. Morrison.
Inaugural Champion: Y.D. Sobral.
How to play: An 8x8 rectilinear grid is drawn, and an order of play is established. Players sequentially choose one of the eight columns in which to draw their next marker symbol (which must lie in the lowest available square of that column). The first player to form a line (diagonal, vertical, or horizontal) of three of their symbols wins the game.

Glynço

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: CMS office B0.40 or similar, a CMS regulation-size bin, an unpumped football, one foot per player, a coin.
Invented by: J.P. O'Dwyer, D.M. Richards.
Official website: here.
Current World Champion: N.F. Morrison.
How to play: The bin is placed such that the pike (namely, the office door (which is to be opened to approx. half-way (in order that it may align Feng-Shuically (i.e. harmonically in accordance with the principles of Taoism) with a specific arrangement of filing cabinets (which must be exactly recreated to form an official Glynço court)))) intersects the plane that is normal to and vertically bisects the two outer quasi-rectangular vertical bin-surfaces of greatestmost area. Players make alternate attempts to scoop the estú (videlicet, the ball) into the bin from one of two service positions on the office-floor, these being: (a) 'Soho', a position precisely 70cm along a normal to the vertical bin-surfaces of lesser area, and (b) 'Bricks', a position precisely 120cm along a normal to the vertical bin-surfaces of greater area (and therefore lying in the pike-plane). The winner of the coin-toss can elect to go first, or to choose their initial starting position, from which they take three shots, alternating with their opponent who starts from the opposite starting position. After each player has taken three shots, the players switch positions and continue to do so thereafter for every three shots taken per position. Two points are awarded for a flop (viz. a shot that results in the ball landing in the bin and remaining inside), whereas one point is awarded for a roll (i.e. a shot that results in the ball fully entering the bin, and then leaving the bin). The winner is the first player to gain eight or more points.

Cambridge City Centre Weirdo Top-Trumps

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: Cambridge city centre.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, D.L. Morrison.
How to play: The players amble aimlessly through the city centre. Each time a player spots one of the allowable weirdos they receive an appropriate number of points. The winner is the player with the fewest points at the end of the game.
Weirdo Pointages:
1 pt - Sarcastic Big-Issue Man (generally found working outside Sainsbury's)
2 pts - Budget Hell's Angel (cyclist with stereo playing death metal in a plastic bag)
3 pts - Madaaarm/Young Sir Big Issue Man AKA Fagin (formerly working outside Sainsbury's)
4 pts - Thank-you-please Man (generally found working inside Sainsbury's)
5 pts - Acid Juggler AKA Evil Clown (juggles in street, wears tatty clothes covered in UV paint, often seen at raves, optional techno accordion).
6 pts - Mick Fleetwood v2.0 (long coat, swept back grey wispy hair, shades, extraordinarily raised eyebrows)
7 pts - Bin-Raking Bob (wears trainers, tatty white shirt with holes in, eats out of Nadia's bins)
8 pts - Owlboy (never speak of it)
Suggestions for additional weirdos are welcome.
Incidental Footnote: According to D.L. Morrison and T. Bell, N.F. Morrison is now an official weirdo.

Hodgeball

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: 2 pens, some paper.
Invented by: D.J. Hodge.
How to play: [Full rules are published bifortnightly by the W.H.O.]. The basics - each player begins with his pen on his edge of the paper. The object is to draw a continuous line to reach your opponent's end before he reaches yours, without crossing lines, or coming into contact with the opponent's pen or hand. This may seem a very simple game.

Footbasket-Ku

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: a ball (football or basketball).
Invented by: A. Russell-Gebbett, S. Russell-Gebbett.
How to play: Combining the world's two most handsome games, Professor Andrei Russell-Gebbett and Flight Commander Stephen Russell-Gebbett managed to create an EVEN MORE! hybrid. Eschewing the unnecessary flapping of hands that traditional basketball requires, footbasket relies on pedal dexterity only to move ball from ground to basket. One groundtouch per foottouch means that juggling skills must be MAXXED to ensure legitimacy. Furthermore, restrictions entail non-overwaist contact, meaning that previously endowed height advantages are annulled in this miscegenate novelty. One score per basket within the key supered by two without evokes standard marking with an added twist - points are tough to meet and thus further respected.

At present only acted in a mano-a-mano context, this game exacts a HI-SKILL requirement, so successful 4 on 4 combat is a future possibility only in extremis.

Feel the footouch - footbasket DEMANDS!
(Translated from the original Japanese)

Outdoor X-treme Street Vertical Noughts and Crosses

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: a large building with 9 windows in a 3x3 arrangment.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison and A. Russell-Gebbett.
How to play: Standing opposite the building, the two players choose their moves in the usual alternating way. The catch is that having to crane your neck up to look at the building will make it harder to think tactically. If you live in a large metropolis with big enough buildings, you can also play X-treme Connect-4.

Stone-Scissors

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: one hand per person.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison.
How to play: This game works just like Stone-Paper-Scissors, except that paper is banned. It is amazing how many people choose scissors even after you tell them this rule.

Stone-Paper-Scissors, Bob Dylan rules

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: one hand per person.
Invented by: S. Chiu-Webster, N.F. Morrison.
How to play: This variant is identical to the original, except you can only choose the rolling stone. Since the result will always be a draw, the win is awarded to the player who does the best Bob Dylan impression while playing the stone.

Stone-Paper-Scissors, Brazilian rules

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: one hand per person.
Invented by: Y.D. Sobral, N.F. Morrison, S. Chiu-Webster.
How to play: The game is divided into three rounds. The first round consists of a regular game of Odds and Evens, and the second round is a regular game of Stone Paper Scissors. Whoever is winning after two rounds gets to choose which of the two games to play for the final round. The winner of the third round is the overall winner (irrespective of the scores of the first two rounds). If the scores are level after two rounds, the game begins again from the start.

Stone-Paper-Scissors-Table-Football

Number of players: 4.
Equipment required: one hand per person, a table football table, sufficient coins.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, J.D. de Souza, S. Chiu-Webster, C. Yin.
How to play: At any given point in time during a doubles game of table football, only two of the players will be directly involved with the movement of the ball. In this game, either of the two players not directly involved with the ball may challenge the other to hand of stone-paper-scissors, of which the winner is awarded a goal, counting the same value as any goals scored when the ball goes into the goal. Players cannot turn down a challenge or they concede a goal. Any ball-goals scored while a hand of SPS was being played count as usual. Players may make arbitrarily many challenges during a match, and are encouraged to do so as much as possible, especially if playing against S.T. Landy.

The Roulette

Number of players: 1 or more.
Equipment required: Simon Rees, Simon Rees's room, a knuckle.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, S. Chiu-Webster, C. Yin.
How to play: Step 1: check the gun is loaded. Step 2: Pull the trigger. Step 3: please not the boxers or the towel...

Volleybull

Number of players: More than 1.
Equipment required: a promotional foam toy bull, and a room full of obstacles.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, S.J. Rees, S. Chen.
How to play: The object is to keep the bull in the air for as long as possible, using any part of the body. Players are only allowed one touch at a time, i.e. another player must touch it before you can touch it again. Style points will be awarded by a panel of inanimate judges for extravagant dives, flamboyant leaps over chairs, nonchalant mid-air backheels and heroic last-minute saves. If a foam bull is not available, the game can alternatively be played with another object chosen from the official sanctioned list as follows: a paper ball, a rubber, a hacky-sack, or a squashed empty drinks can.

Armchair Ping-Ping-Pong-Pong

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: two ping-pong bats, two ping-pong balls, a small coffee table, two medium-sized dumbbells, two armchairs.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, S. Chen, S. Chiu-Webster.
How to play: The dumbbells are used as the net on the coffee table. Players recline leisurely on their armchairs, and each serves a ball simultaneously. The object is to keep both balls in play for as long as possible without looking as though you are trying.

Benoît V.C. Doh's Tail-Whip-a-Granny

Number of players: 1.
Equipment required: a BMX, an unsuspecting old woman cyclist.
Invented by: B. V.C. Doh.
How to play: Wait until it is dark. Overtake the slowly moving old woman, and then suddenly whip your bike round 360, going as close as possible to taking-out the cyclist behind you. Absorb the stream of abuse that you will undoubtedly subsequently receive. Insert 20p to play again.

Michael Doré's Buttery Card Bowls

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: Michael Doré's buttery card, several marbles or pennies etc.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.J. Doré.
How to play: Place the buttery card in the middle of an open floor. Players take turns to roll a marble at the card. Points are awarded for the number of marbles you have closest to the cards, i.e. if you have 3 marbles closer than the opponent's nearest marble, you score 3. First to 21 wins. Additional points are awarded for damaging the card in any way.

Lemonade Launch

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: one full 2 litre bottle of economy lemonade, a large open space with a stone floor.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: Players stand at opposite ends of the pitch and take turns to lob the bottle very high in the air and let it fall back to ground. The player who causes the bottle to burst open in a hail of fizz wins. Bottles usually survive 4 or 5 goes. [A variant invented by T. Bell is identical but uses a glass bottle of Coke. Typically the bottle will not survive the first throw.]

The Triennial Whewell's Court Run

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: Whewell's Court, several Gardies burgers.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: Every three years (starting in 2002), the Whewell's court run is held in conjunction with the Great Court run. All competitors start outside the door of H6. When the clock strikes 12 midnight, the players run down 4 flights of stairs into the underground shower basement, and run around the court in a clockwise manner. Because the underground basement does not go all the way round, contestants will have to periodically emerge back up into the open courtyard, and go in the next staircase to get back to the basement. Players will inevitably get lost during the race. The winner is the first back to H6, without skipping any staircases. An additional rule to challenge more experienced participants is that all contestants must consume 2 gardies burgers each during the race, and hence the race is only triennial, as the expected recovery time is 3 years.

Beard Club

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: a stopwatch.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: When the stopwatch is started, contestants must try to grow the longest possible beard before the time runs out (typically 1 minute). Extra points are awarded for effort.

Thigh Tennis

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: a football.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, A. Russell-Gebbett.
How to play: the rules of thigh tennis are identical to tennis, except that the game is played across a street, with no net. The players must thigh the ball to each other, with one bounce allowed. No other part of the body is allowed to touch the ball.

The Triangle of Lamitude

Number of players: 2.
Equipment required: a pool table, with triangle.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: The Triangle of Lamitude represents an exciting new way of enjoying the game of pool; it highlights the main reason to play the game for the inexpert, that is, laughing at your opponent's incompetence whilst trying to look knowledgable and professional yourself. The triangle of lamitude provides a concrete measure of this failure. Full detailed rules.

Sainsbury's Van Smörgåsbord

Number of players: 1 or more.
Equipment required: a Sainsbury's van/lorry, an overlooking window (typically I3 Blue Boar), a supply of various food items. Optional: a COBOL manual.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: Wait until about 5am, when the lorry parks outside the window. You now have a brief interval in which to put as many items as possible on top of the van without being seen or heard. Extra points are available for the wrongness of the items, for example, a mouldy half-loaf of bread is worth 2 points, a soggy melted Creme Egg is worth 5 points, and a three-days-old toasted sandwich full of Jelly Babies is worth 16 points. Successfully landing a COBOL manual is the highest scoring play.

Sidney Sussex Satsuma-Shy

Number of players: 1 or more.
Equipment required: an open window in Sidney Sussex college, a room on the opposite site of the street (typically I3 Blue Boar), a bag of satsumas or similar.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, M.C.C. Bennett.
How to play: This game is best played late on a Saturday night when there is a loud party in the Sidney room with the open window.
Step 1: be in the room opposite Sidney.
Step 2: open the window.
Step 3: calculate the distance to the Sidney window, and gauge wind-speed.
Step 4: attempt to throw satsumas into Sidney.
This game is much harder than it seems and may require the help of a passer-by to pick up a failed satsuma from the street below and throw it for you from a better position.

Irish Golf

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: a bodhrán, a ball.
Invented by: N.F. Morrison, C.N. Morrison.
How to play: This game is fairly easy to learn, but difficult to master. One player holds a traditional Celtic musical drum, e.g. a bodhrán, which is the bat of the game. The other player(s) act as fielders. One bowls the ball (a tennis/squash ball, or promotional sponge ball is advisable) to the batsman who has to whack it as far as possible without getting caught. There are no stumps, no running like a fud, and no pads or helmets, because this is not cricket, this is IRISH GOLF, OK? No fannying about polishing the ball or waiting for an old duffer dressed as a butcher's assistant to raise his finger. The winner of the game is the player who isn't holding the drum when someone tells you to stop playing because you're making too much noise.

Street Football (with a twist)

Number of players: 2 or more.
Equipment required: a ball, old people.
Invented by: J.D. de Souza, D. Lee.
How to play: Each player is given one minute with the ball, and has to nutmeg as many old people as possible (ideally aged 60 or above). One point per nutmeg, and you are not allowed two consecutive nutmegs on the same old person. Bonus points are awarded for nutmegging T.W.Körner or P.T.Johnstone. The player with the most points wins.

To follow:
Classroom Olympics, Urban Tennis Golf.