The Andrei Rustle-Gibbon adventure game.

New 1.3 release.

The year is 2009. You awake in the middle of a pub carpark to find that, to your surprise, you are now 29 and have wasted your life. The last thing you remember is something about a table football match.

What happened to your life?

You dust yourself off and examine the situation. In your pocket you find a soggy half-eaten sandwich, a Medieval Literature seminar list at Nottingham University for October 2002, and 50p.

You can go into the pub, out of the carpark, or you can eat the sandwich.

New feature - Andrei is crap! I want to play as Jon May.

You have chosen to go out of the pub.
You are back in the carpark. Nothing much changed since you left.

You can go into the pub, out of the carpark, or you can eat the sandwich.

I haven't done this bit yet, go away.

You have chosen to go into the pub.
The pub is quite dark and is almost empty. Surveying the interior, you see a bar, a few chairs at a table, a quiz-machine cheerfully displaying its demo screen, and a jukebox.

You can go out of the pub, go to the bar, sit down at the table, put 50p in the quiz-machine, or you can put 50p in the jukebox.

You have chosen to go to the bar.
Being a pub, the cheapest drink is Ł2.78. You have 50p.

You can go out of the pub, sit down at the table, put 50p in the quiz-machine, or you can put 50p in the jukebox.

You have chosen to sit down at the table.
Ho Hum. Well that was a fascinating option.

You can go out of the pub, go to the bar, put 50p in the quiz-machine, or you can put 50p in the jukebox.

You have chosen to play the quiz-machine.
The best game on the machine is Word Up. There are some other games, but they are shite. Conveniently you find another 50p on the ground so I don't have to write a different bit of the game where you can do everything else, only without the 50p.

You can go out of the pub, go to the bar, put 50p in the jukebox, or play Word Up.

You have chosen to play Word Up. Gain 291 points.
You get the following grid of letters, and 2 minutes to try to clear the grid. Good luck.

CSJFIBEHASMJHASFKL
JKAISIWOCMVOQLKSAF
JHEFIQTBCZLAJHJFJI
UUQOQASADAEZGOKOPG
YHFISKALPOPOIQUAAS
ARETAUIAPHGANGYHSL
HJAHSDFDJAGIJJIAJG

You can go out of the pub, go to the bar, put 50p in the jukebox, or clear the grid.

Congratulations, you have cleared the grid. Gain 500 points.
You win Ł1.

You can now achieve spiritual enlightenment, or you can eat the sandwich.

You have chosen to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Well done! You win. Game over. You scored 791 points.

You can start again.

You have chosen to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Well done! You win. Game over. You scored 741 points.

You can start again.

You have chosen to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Well done! You win. Game over. You scored -49259 points.

You can start again.

You have chosen to put 50p in the jukebox.
The only song on the jukebox is Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush. Conveniently you find another 50p on the ground so I don't have to write a different bit of the game where you can do everything else without the 50p.

You can go out of the pub, go to the bar, sit down at the table, or you can play the song.

You have chosen to play Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush.
The evil gruesome sound causes a complete shutdown of your brain. Lose 10000 points. Game over. You scored -10000.

You can start again.

You have chosen to eat the sandwich.
The sandwich is quite bad, lose 50 points.

You can go into the pub, out of the carpark, or you can eat the 50p.

You have chosen to eat the 50p.
You break a tooth and now have a sharp pain in the oesophagus, but on the whole feel better for the extra nickel. Gain 6 points.

You can go into the pub, out of the carpark, or you can eat the list of seminars.

You have chosen to eat the seminar list.
You get a hideous internal paper cut and die. Lose 10 points. Game over. You scored -54.

You can start again.

You have chosen to eat the sandwich.
The sandwich is quite bad, lose 50 points.

You can achieve spiritual enlightenment, or go to a seminar.

You have chosen to go to a seminar.
Lose 50000 points. Besides which, the seminar list was for 2002.

You can achieve spiritual enlightenment or join Al-Qaeda.

You have chosen to join Al-Qaeda. The next three years of your life consist of radicalization and combat training in a remote area of Pakistan, after which you burn your genitals off in the name of Islam aboard an airliner, and spend the rest of your life in Guantanamo Bay. Lose 8 points. Game over. You scored -49267.

You can start again.

You have chosen to play as Jon May instead of Andrei. Gain 16 points.

You can attain the unattainable, go boldly forth where no man has gone before, or you can bake a cake.

You have chosen to attain the unattainable. But you already did that this morning.

You can attain the unattainable, go boldly forth where no man has gone before, or you can bake a cake.

You have chosen to go boldly forth where no man has gone before. Fair enough.

You can attain the unattainable, go boldly forth where no man has gone before, or you can bake a cake.

You have chosen to bake a cake. Gain 600000031 points.

You can attain the unattainable, go boldly forth where no man has gone before, or you can eat the cake.

You have chosen to eat the cake. Gain 19000000000143 points. Game over. You win. You scored 19000600000190.

You can start again.